Why do relationships matter? For something to matter, it is important or significant.
Why can’t we just please ourselves and be alone? Let’s go to the beginning. Gen. 1:26-27 says “The God said let us make human beings in our image to be like us….So God created human beings in His own image, in the image of God, he created them; male and female he created them”. God is a relational God. He is relational with Himself and He extends that relationship to us. God’s pursuit of deep, intimate relationship with His people is the central theme of the Bible! The ultimate expression of God’s relational pursuit is Jesus. “God with us.” Isaiah 7:14
He made us in His image and so we too are created to be relational. He reaffirmed this in Gen. 2:18 when He said ‘It is not good for man to be alone..’
Therefore the church is to highly value community over and above isolation.
Yet . . .
Our current culture is fractured, segmented, transient, bent toward isolation, and values individualism with religious zeal.
- The Christian community should be “others-centred”
- Be devoted to one another (Romans 12:10)
- Honour one another (Romans 12:10)
- Live in harmony with one another (Romans 12:16; 1 Peter 3:8)
- Accept one another (Romans 15:7)
- Serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13)
- Be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32)
- Admonish one another (Colossians 3:16)
- Encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Hebrews 3:13)
- Spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24)
- Offer hospitality (1 Peter 4:9)
- Love one another (1 Peter 1:22; 1 John 3:11; 3:23; 4:7; 4:11-12)
Do you want to get married?
Maybe God has not brought the right man yet, or led you to him because He is not happy with your relationship with Him. Perhaps He knows that if that man comes along now, He will lose you because you will become so busy with that relationship. Hab. 2:3
Then what should we look for as women?
There is a book by Michelle McKinney Hammond called ‘If men are like buses, then how do I catch one’? She outlines some things to look at before entering courtship.
- Is He saved? Does He care what God thinks about his behaviour? Is he accountable to God and spiritual authority? God must come before you in his life.
- Does he want to be married? If not, don’t waste 6/7 years waiting for him to change his mind. Is he pursuing you or are you pursuing him? Let him recognise you as a pearl.
- Does he have a goals and vision in the workplace and ministry?
- Does he support your goals and visions? If you have a responsibility in church or career, does he respect this or does he want you to give everything up and focus only on him? Yes, you both need to compromise but you should not have to give up everything.
- What is his relationship with his mum and family? Enmeshed or differentiated? A man who mistreats or disrespects his mother will do the same to you.
- Commitment, does he keep his word? Does he change jobs often or blame others for his mistakes
- Who are his friends? When you are with him, he may be on his best behaviour but imagine how he acts when he with them. His friends are a reflection of who he really is.
Courting guidelines
- Set your standards beforehand. It is difficult to control sexual desires when in that situation. Make a list of acceptable behaviour and draw up a contract and plan of action on how to keep the contract.
- Be accountable to others. Perhaps a cell group leader or godly woman in church.
- Let your lifestyle show, your manner of dress, posture as you talk to someone, topics of conversation – all these will portray you as a particular type of person and you will attract that kind of guy. Don’t be too closed but don’t be so flirty, wrapping your arms round guys and sitting on their knees.
- Keep your mind pure
- Choose friends carefully. We can have ten great friends but it only takes one to misguide you in the wrong direction and encourage you to play games that you don’t need to play.
At the beginning we established that relationships matter, we must also know that the way we conduct ourselves in them affects our salvation. Whether in a courting relationship, married or in friendship. Hebrews 12:14 “Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord”.
So we must work at living in peace with everyone and not be contentious
- “It is better to live in a corner of a roof, then in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Proverbs 21:9 It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home (NLT) – repeated in Prov. 25:24
- “It is better to live in a desert land, then with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Quarrelsome, complaining wife, NLT) Proverbs 21:19
- “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.” Proverbs 27:15-16
- “The woman of folly is boisterous. She is naïve, and knows nothing.” Proverbs 9:13
What about the man……isn’t HE responsible?
The scripture says in 1 Cor. 11:11: “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.” In truth, marriage is a covenant in which both partners are to place the other’s well-being above his or her own. But here’s the thing, there is no clause in that scripture that says: “But you don’t have to follow this if your partner isn’t cooperating.”
Recently, I heard a Christian teacher utter these shocking words, when a man called him to say that he wasn’t happy in his marriage, and that his wife wasn’t happy either…..obviously the gentleman wanted some sort of permission to leave the marriage. This Christian teacher responded: “God isn’t interested in your happiness. He is interested in your obedience.” Wow, so obedience is more important than my happiness? That is a strong word! Yet when I examine the problems that we encounter as women, I find that if we were obedient to scripture, most of the problems could be dealt with effectively. We need to be less contentious!
A contentious woman is not a happy woman. There is no peace in it. There is no victory. There is no resolution of conflicts nor control over circumstances. Sin always begets sin. And, as the Word of God tells us, the wages of sin is death.
A contentious woman can witness the death of:
Her marriage…..her friendships with other women….the respect of colleagues…. the trust and companionship of her children……..the destruction of her Christian witness.
If a non-believer were to witness your latest: conversation with a spouse, argument with a teenager, response to a request, actions at a meeting…..would he or she see the bitterness of a contentious woman or the sweetness and peace of a woman living under grace?
Leaving the Contentious Woman Behind
- It is your duty to love your husband and to respect him. Treating a man like a child by nagging and pushing will challenge his brain-wired need for independence. He will react all right…..by ignoring you.
- Learn to praise you husband, in clear, natural, authentic words, when he engages in a behaviour or practice that you desire. He will feel validated and respond, in time, by repeating that behaviour. That includes……spending time with the children, dealing with your family, or even in the bedroom.
- This is a tough one. Once is enough. Ask your husband once. Remind your husband once. Mention it, whatever it is, one time. Then allow him the freedom to do it when and how he chooses to. Resist the urge to do it yourself, unless life or limb are in danger. Then wait. Close your eyes if you have to, and wait.
- Show respect for your husband by listening to him, even if he is not making sense. Do not blurt into conversations to correct him, nor interject when he is dealing with your children. It is rude. It is wrong. It is also the quickest way to destroy communication, period. Research shows that men’s brains simply do not process language as quickly as women do. His silence may not be a punishment; it may be a process. Let the process work.
- Practice looking for the good in your husband. Focus on three good qualities that he has. Tell him about those good qualities. Tell others about those qualities. Thank God for those qualities. Soon, the negative qualities will seem far less visible and you will wonder why they ever mattered so much. So many women ….married 15-25 years have told me…..”I can’t believe we used to argue about X…..it really wasn’t important.” These women had learned to look for the good in their husbands.
- Guard your sharp tongue. Accusations back men into a corner. The male animal will choose flight, rather than fight. He knows that he cannot win in a verbal engagement with you. You talk faster, better, and you have an amazing ability to recall every low down, sorry, nasty thing he ever did……Also, guard your sharp tongue with other people. Stop and think before you speak.
- Intimacy, in the form of touching, sexual expression, and gentle words is a form of healing. It is a message…..”I accept you as you are.” Scripture is clear that we are not to withhold ourselves in marriage. It is because God, who created intimacy and everything else ….knew that we needed this form of love in order to stay close….literally and figuratively. Dr. Gary Chapman, writing in The Five Languages of Love, details the deep, cognitive and physical need that men have for physical intimacy. You already recognize the power that you have in physical intimacy. Do not be tempted to abuse that power.
- Every day, imagine yourself as the Proverbs 31 Woman. “Strength and dignity will be her clothing.” Stand up straighter. Look people in the eye. Maintain your dignity. God has given you all the resources you need to maintain your dignity in all situations.
- Treat every encounter with your husband as if it might be your last. I am cognizant of the fact that time is fleeting. Every minute counts. Your reaction to your husband makes a difference. Writing in the Total Woman, which by the way sold a couple of hundred thousand copies , Marabel Morgan cites research into early morning airplane crashes with test pilots, and notes that when the pilots left home angry and anxious, their judgement was severely impaired. Your husband may act like he could care less….but that’s not the case. Scripture cautions us not to let the sun set on our anger. Extrapolate that wisdom to this: Don’t leave home in anger…
Romance in marriage
When we are courting a man, think of all the effort we make every time we see him. But then when we get married, all that goes out of the window and we lounge around in comfy sweaters and socks with holes in them. Why do we think that men have affairs? Women often cite causes for their adultery such as their husband doesn’t listen and this new man listened or made them feel special. For men, it’s not just about sex, it’s about the excitement and expectancy. Familiarity breeds contempt. Obviously we have jobs and later children but we must also make our husband number 1 after God. Make the relationship exciting, fresh, fun and romantic. It is a myth that only women like romance. Men do too. For our recent anniversary, I baked a cake for my husband and he was so delighted that I had taken time out to do something just for him. It made him feel special. It is often the little things that matter. When I tell the kids that we have to tidy up the house, they will say why mummy? Is someone coming to the house? I will say yes, daddy is coming and we need to make the house comfortable for him. Treat him like a King and He will treat you like a king.
We can get into a rut that well if my husband would do more of that, then I would too. Yes he may be taking you for granted. Remind him why he fell in love with you, be the initiator. Cook his favourite meal, rent out his favourite movie, go for a walk together in the park, write a love note, give him a massage, serve him dinner in your nightgown (after the children are in bed). Don’t let any day go by without appreciating your husband for something and doing something to make him smile. Be careful not to love them the way you want to be loved. Find out what their needs are.
Plan this next week to do one thing every day that will show your love to your husband and see what a difference there will be.
Read about ways to make your husband happy. Look for books and educate yourself.
What else can you do?
- Be a woman of noble character
- Be a woman of understanding, understand marriage, understand men, understand your husband, understand money, your in laws, conflict management, parenting, love, sex.
- Be a woman of wisdom “knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad”. Speak with wisdom, right tone, right timing, right presentation, right use of words.
- Be a pillar of his purpose – men are known to be career focused. Be his number one supporter, encouraging and motivating him to succeed. Men find more fulfilment in their career than relationships so you have to make yourself part of it.
- Respect him – respect him so much that he will strive to get it. – respect his manhood (strength, make him feel like the strongest man in the world), respect his judgement, his abilities, even in failure, at least he tried, in communication, his success
- Be playful, enjoy hobbies together
- Dress well and make effort to be attractive, make your lips kissable, keep your breath fresh
- Satisfy him in the bedroom. He gets to display his manliness and feels fulfilled.
