It is a true saying that it is better to break a courtship than a marriage. Yet many are in unhealthy courtship relationships but continue in it to the point of marriage without addressing the issues because they are afraid of the repercussions of breaking it off.
Fears such as embarrassment, loneliness, fear of hurting the other person, fear of not finding anyone else, missing the ‘one’ or being out of God’s will are common reasons for ignoring warning signs. Addressing warning signals may not mean the end of the relationship, it may be possible to talk through the issues and resolve them. It is better to voice your concerns than keeping them hidden. A joyful marriage must be based on trust and so starting married life with unspoken worries and fears would affect the relationship. It is possible that you have misunderstood an action or behavior of the other person and an honest exchange will resolve it or perhaps the other person didn’t realize that their behavior was upsetting for you and they will be happy to change. It would be wise for you to fast and pray before approaching them so that the situation would not result in an argument but rather an honest discussion where you address your concerns in a non-accusatory and loving way. If the issue cannot be resolved when you have tried to address it then I would suggest getting your pastor involved. Your pastor should meet with both of you so that the discussion can be honest, open and frank with no secrets. After much prayer, deliberation and counsel you may decide to end the courtship. Below are some examples of warning signals during courtship. If you recognize any of them in your relationship, don’t ignore them but address them honestly. The success of your married life depends on developing a healthy relationship during courtship and ensuring that you are getting married for the right reasons.
Fear and loss of peace of mind
For a Christian couple their journey toward marriage has Christ at the centre. Courtship has been entered because both parties felt God’s leading and blessing on their union. Therefore if at any point you begin to lose the peace you had about the relationship, then it is dangerous and you need to be prayerful to analyse if it is God’s intention for you to marry each other. Peace is a hallmark of knowing that you are in God’s will. This does not mean that there will not be challenges in the courtship but if it is right you will be able to work out those challenges and maintain your inner peace, facing them together. If you feel sick at the thought of going through with the wedding or you feel fear then press the pause button. Slow down and find out God’s will then address your feelings with the other person. You must be absolutely sure and have your peace back before getting married. Don’t confuse nerves with fear, it is natural to be a bit anxious about taking such a big step but fear is not of God and must be dealt with. If you are experiencing fear because of physical or emotional abuse then you must tell your Pastor as things could escalate without the appropriate help.
When lust is in control
If the relationship has become just about sex then lust is in control and you need to be careful not to confuse lust with love as Godly love is the foundation for a good marriage not lust. When couples have sex in courtship, they become one flesh which is supposed to happen after marriage. You have linked physically, emotionally and spiritually and it will be hard to make clear headed decisions regarding the relationship. Address the issue as a couple, determine to put boundaries back in place and have someone that you can be accountable to. Be sure that the other person is not wasting your time and just wants sex. Ensure that the relationship is headed toward s marriage and keep the marital bed undefiled. Also never marry just to fulfil sexual lust or to legalise sex. A marriage built on that foundation alone cannot stand.
Do not marry only out of pity or fear of being left on the shelf
If you agreed to marry because you felt you couldn’t say no to the person or you felt that no-one else would marry you then you need to seek counsel. This is not the right reason to get married as there is someone special for you. You cannot just marry anyone, you must find the one that is part of God’s plan for your life.
When your partner becomes indifferent or is spiritually cold, be careful
Your relationship must have Christ at the centre, if the other person becomes lukewarm or cold spiritually, then you should address it quickly as their spiritual life will either directly or indirectly have an effect on yours. If your service to God is declining since you got into courtship, then you need to analyse if the relationship is healthy. You should be increasing in fervour, preparing for entering into a marriage covenant before God, your study of the word, prayer and fasting should be increasing as you are making this decision and not reducing.
When there is no give and take
Marriage needs a lot of compromise and if neither of you can compromise in courtship then it will be difficult to have a joyful and healthy marriage. There must be willingness to be selfless and consider the other person. If this does not happen in the relationship then you are not yet ready to get married and need counsel to proceed.
Distrust
Trust is essential for a healthy relationship. If there has been deceit of any kind, this is a warning signal that must be addressed. The reason behind the deceit is very important. If the person did not want you to be hurt or was afraid of losing you then while this does not excuse their behaviour it is possible to work through it, taking extra effort to ensure honest by complete transparency from that point on. However if they lied due to selfish ambition or to get you to do something that you felt was wrong then you need to question the merits of the relationship. A liar in courtship will be a liar in marriage and marriage is forever. Again seek counsel to see whether after repentance the relationship can be salvaged.
When you always quarrelling, disagreeing and provoking each other
Disagreeing does not mean that you should end the courtship as it is a natural part of getting to know each other. However if the disagreements become petty and disrespectful then this is a symptom of something deeper that is going on underneath. Somewhere resentment or bitterness has set in which is causing the couple to pick on every issue and quarrel. Search deeper as to what the real issues are and work hard to resolve them. If you are using words that are hurtful and wounding this is not healthy. Your words are like arrows and can have long lasting effects. This needs to be addressed before the relationship moves on as you should be building each other up not tearing each other down.
These are just a few of many possible warning signs which can be particular to each individual or couple. If things are not right you will know. Don’t ignore that inner voice until it is too late. However you do not want a string of broken courtships. Do your best to salvage the relationship when you feel that God led you to the person but seek counsel from a trusted Pastor and make sure you both meet with them so that you can sort out the issues together with their help and God’s. Be aware that the enemy will try to stop you uniting with your spouse because two are better than one. Be aware of his strategies and determine to fight for your marriage, keeping your eyes open and using wisdom and discernment.
Andrea Onduku
